If you’ve been married or in a relationship for a few years, you may have come to that weird place where you discover that the person you’re with now doesn’t seem to be the same person you originally fell in love with. That’s not to say that your mate has changed or you got the full-fledged representative. But, something definitely shifts in a relationship once the infatuation has worn off. In some cases, there were initially things that your mate did which blew your mind and caused you to fall in love. Now, that you have committed to each other, you find that your partner is just not as eager to do those things. In fact, they may seem pretty low on the list of priorities.
To you it reeks of, “Now that he’s got me, he doesn’t seemed concerned about doing what it takes to keep me.”
Unfortunately, there is some truth in that statement. But it doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. It’s actually a natural biological response that all humans have when they form deep connections.
All men are driven by their instincts whether they’re aware of it or not. When they first meet a woman, the need to conquer or acquire her is very strong. So strong, in fact, that they will do almost anything to get that woman. They’re cooking for you, planning dates, and taking you out, handling the business in the bedroom, being great listeners, writing love letters and the list goes on and on. They are showing you the perfect version of themselves – everything that they are capable of. Keep in mind that women do this too. It’s impossible to keep this up, however. Once you’ve fallen in love with him and you commit to each other, men shift into another mode. Their testosterone levels fall, their biochemistry starts to change and men typically become more concerned with doing things that will continue to make them feel like a man. Even though you may be getting closer to one another in many ways, they may also pull away from you a little bit in other ways. Why is this, you may ask?
It’s because once we really get to know a man, we know his flaws…his weaknesses…his shortcomings…his irritating habits and his fears. No matter how much you love him, he’s a lot less exotic to you when you know everything about him. He’s fallen off of his pedestal a little bit and both of you know it. This can be hard for him to accept. It’s a fine line that many women tend to cross. In order for your relationship to maintain a healthy balance, you have to let a man be a man. The woman doesn’t need to be completely submissive, but there is always a right and a wrong way to handle things. Women are the masters of making a decision and getting our men to the point that they believe that they actually made the decision.
Also, these days more than ever before, people are really struggling and those in relationships are almost guaranteed to go through some hard times with each other. Your man wants to feel like he’s doing his thing at work, he’s taking care of home and he’s taking care of you and that may not be the reality for many men today. Don’t think that it’s not a blow to his psyche every time he looks at you and feels like he’s falling short. That can make him withdraw and if he’s not a strong man with his commitments in order, it may even make him stray.
What can we do to make sure that our relationship continues to evolve in spite of everything?
Look on the bright side. Even though the passion may have faded a little bit, realize that the longer you are together, the more attached you are to each other. This is a beautiful thing that can only come from being together for a long time. You know him so well that you know exactly what you can do to brighten his day and make him feel special.
Let him know what you appreciate about him. After being together for awhile, you may come to appreciate how anal (or shall we say detail oriented) he is about certain things. Or maybe how consistent he is. You may not possess these qualities and it’s great when you have someone that can truly balance you out.
Don’t be a nag. It’s easy to get frustrated and start to point out what he’s doing wrong or the mistakes he’s made. However, too much complaining will no doubt push him away. We all think of men as being big and strong, but in reality, the ego can be very fragile.
Give him space. So many women get into relationships and began to revolve their entire lives around their man. If you had a lot going on when he fell in love with you, chances are that it was one of the things he probably liked about you. Make sure you keep your hobbies, maintain your interests and have a life of your own. All of that makes you more interesting and gives him some time to have his own hobbies and grow as a person.
Don’t become a bore. There are some women who let a lot of things go once they get into a committed relationship. One of those things being themselves. Remember men are visual and still want to be turned on when they see you. Make sure that you are continuing to do all those special things* you did when you first met him.
*You know what those things are…
Well said, Kimberly Yvonne Steele.
I love to see a woman empathize with a man without expressing from a 100% “the woman’s” POV (if that makes any sense : )!